I have binged a lot in my life. Binging is why I put on all the weight to begin with. But I have never binged to the point where I was throwing up and couldn't stop. Until last night, that is. Shortly after I signed off, I started throwing up. I didn't stop until about 2:00am. I finally had to open the living room door and turn off the heater and my electric blanket and just sleep with the cool air coming in through the door. It was the only thing that helped.
I'm always disgusted and disappointed in myself after my binges. I hate not having control and one thing I should be able to control is what I put in my mouth. But when I go on a binge, I have no control. I just keep eating and eating and eating and I can't stop. Sometimes I'll feel full and still eat. Other times, like yesterday, I'll keep eating and never feel full. Just going over the list of food in my head that I ate yesterday makes me full, but for some reason, my brain just never got the signal that I was full until it was too late. Until last night, I'd never made myself sick. I really hope that I can remember how I felt last night and refrain from binging ever again. I honestly felt like I was dying. I went from sweaty hot to clammy cool, back and forth, all night long. I was shaky and weak. I felt awful and embarrassed.
I haven't been able to eat or drink much today. I took my mom to Arby's for lunch (Kaiden picked) for her birthday, but chose not to have anything. Nothing sounded good. As I was leaving town, Preston texted me to see if I'd grab him some lunch at Wendy's. Nothing sounded good there, either, but I was feeling weak, so I told myself I have to eat. I got a chicken sandwich and had a really hard time eating it. When I was done, I could feel it sitting in my stomach and I really just wanted it out.
My back hurts worse today than it did yesterday. I don't know what's going on. I felt great yesterday, as far as my back was concerned. I'm guessing I overdid it, but at this rate, it'll never be healed. I'm a mom and work part time. I don't have time to rest and relax. I will be quitting my job by summer probably, but I'm just not ready to quit yet, especially for an injury. I don't know what to do. :/
The boys both start soccer this week. Kaiden had practice tonight. He's five, so it's not very structured. It's mostly just for fun and to learn the fundamentals. I love this stage of sports - where there isn't a lot of competitiveness by parents or the kids. It's just a bunch of little kids getting together and kicking around a ball. Brandon's first practice is Thursday, which is the same day as Kaiden's first game. Looks like my days are getting more and more booked. I like being busy...I get lazy if I'm not.