Yesterday, after my run, I was kind of a debbie-downer. And then I remembered this weeks challenge. I'm, admittedly, my own worst enemy. As a bigger girl my entire life, I used self-deprication as a defense mechanism. My thought process was that if I put myself down first, it wouldn't sting as much when someone said something hurtful towards me.
Even though I'm 100 pounds less than I was three years ago (or in high school, even), I still feel this way. Of course, I am older now and so are most people I associate with, so I rarely come across negative comments anymore, but I still feel like I need to prepare myself. Especially when I eat in public - I have a fear of eating in public because I'm afraid I'm being judged ("Go ahead fatty, stick another bite in your mouth - you might as well rub it on your thighs because that's where it's headed...") Pretty harsh, right? I know, most mature adults AREN'T thinking that, but it's been a part of my life for so long that I can't help but feel that it still occurs. And that is negative thinking on my part.
I've been trying to be more positive lately. I congratulate myself on my complishments and I pep myself up positively when I'm feeling down or unmotivated. I use fewer negative words and more uplifting phrases. It's not easy, but I'm learning. One of the hardest things for me to do is accept compliments. I've gotten better, though. I used to reply to compliments with a negative response. I still sort of do (I'll thank them and then say "I still need to lose another 30 pounds or so..." which isn't exactly positive) but I'm trying to break out of that habit, too.
It will probably take some time, but I'll get there.
This morning, when I woke up, I expected my arms to be a little sore after yesterday's arm exercises. I was surprised that they felt normal - still jiggly and not at all sore. LOL ;) I did the exercises again today and I could totally feel the burn right away. I really didn't think I was going to be able to finish, but I managed. They're definitely feeling sore right now, but that's a good thing. :)
I discovered today that I really, truly am not a girly girl. I can't say that there has ever been a moment in my life that I was very girly, even though the more confident I've gotten with my weight loss, the more open I am to girly stuff, like bright colors (black and grey used to be the only colors in my wardrobe), skirts, and tank tops. I even wear make up more often, now. But I will never, EVER get a hang of the whole hair thing. :/ I don't wear it down because it's very fine and breaks easily so I end up covered in hair all the time, so I usually just throw it in a ponytail. However, tonight Preston and I are without kids, so we were going to have a casual date night, but I wanted to kind of dress up, since that very rarely happens anymore. I tried to curl my hair and it wasn't exactly going my way, so I gave up. Into a ponytail it went. *sigh* I should really return my "girl card" right now. ;)
Oh, Marcia, reading about your doubts and poor self-image made me so sad. :( You are BEAUTIFUL!! Don't you ever let yourself think differently!
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