I ran this morning. Not far and not fast, but I got out there. My knee started bothering me right away, but I pushed through. By about a mile, I decided that was it and started walking back to the car.
During my run, I did something I haven't done in a very long time - I prayed. I am not a very religious person, though sometimes I wish I were. I grew up Catholic but I have a hard time going to church. I have a hard time following along and understanding scripture and I don't have the attention span for it. Sad, but true.
I've been so burdened with stress and confusion lately that I've really just become so lost. This has not been a good summer. My boys have been really naughty lately - destroying stuff, stealing out of peoples gardens, wandering off, etc. Since I'm not working, money has been tighter than we expected. We're managing to get by, but we are not good at budgeting our money well. Everything feels like it's falling apart. The stress is starting to effect my ability to think clearly, parent smart, continue a healthy relationship with my husband and children and remember what is important to me.
With all of that in mind, I asked God for help. I've lost focus and I need help getting back on track - not just with weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but with my entire life. I need help with being a better wife and being a better mother. I've been lazy, angry and impatient lately and I need that to change.
I just want to mention that I've written, deleted, re-written and deleted more of this particular part of this post a number of times. I guess I'm just ashamed of the truth - of how awful things are getting, I guess.
So, I've been doing a lot better with my calories. I kind of lost count yesterday, but I still don't think I did to terribly bad. I set my alarm for 5:45am this morning and finally made it out the door around 6:30 for a run. I really wanted to go back to sleep, but I'd made a promise to Preston last night that I'd get out there this morning, so I did. As I said, my knee started bothering me within the first quarter mile but I kept going. I wanted to do at least a mile and a half but my heart just wasn't into it. Running is supposed to help me de-stress but today it just wasn't happening.