During my run, I did something I haven't done in a very long time - I prayed. I am not a very religious person, though sometimes I wish I were. I grew up Catholic but I have a hard time going to church. I have a hard time following along and understanding scripture and I don't have the attention span for it. Sad, but true.
I've been so burdened with stress and confusion lately that I've really just become so lost. This has not been a good summer. My boys have been really naughty lately - destroying stuff, stealing out of peoples gardens, wandering off, etc. Since I'm not working, money has been tighter than we expected. We're managing to get by, but we are not good at budgeting our money well. Everything feels like it's falling apart. The stress is starting to effect my ability to think clearly, parent smart, continue a healthy relationship with my husband and children and remember what is important to me.
With all of that in mind, I asked God for help. I've lost focus and I need help getting back on track - not just with weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, but with my entire life. I need help with being a better wife and being a better mother. I've been lazy, angry and impatient lately and I need that to change.
I just want to mention that I've written, deleted, re-written and deleted more of this particular part of this post a number of times. I guess I'm just ashamed of the truth - of how awful things are getting, I guess.
So, I've been doing a lot better with my calories. I kind of lost count yesterday, but I still don't think I did to terribly bad. I set my alarm for 5:45am this morning and finally made it out the door around 6:30 for a run. I really wanted to go back to sleep, but I'd made a promise to Preston last night that I'd get out there this morning, so I did. As I said, my knee started bothering me within the first quarter mile but I kept going. I wanted to do at least a mile and a half but my heart just wasn't into it. Running is supposed to help me de-stress but today it just wasn't happening.
It's when life gets to us and we don't know where we turn, that we ask for help and there is no shame in that.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel alone. There are a lot of us going through similar things, me being one of them, however, I have a separate diary for my "real life" stuff. I do a lot of my thinking on my runs. When I am angry I push harder. I have been angry a lot lately and I hate it. Between people at work, my step-daughters and my husbands ex-wife its hard to keep positive that things will improve sometimes. I am a christian and Dave and I have not been to church in quite some time now. I need to start praying more. I need to use my runs as a time to reflect on good things and ask for what I need instead of thinking about all the bad crap going on. Someday things have to get better. They just have to. Hang in there girly! *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You are totally not alone. Parenting is hard work. Make sure you give yourself some credit. There are some great financial help out there like Lutheran Financial services. You have already shown you are someone who is willing to stick through something no matter how hard it is. I hope things get better for you.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in asking for help! I totally understand how things can get on top of you - it's not easy being a mom, let alone all the other stuff we have to contend with! All we can do is try our best and have faith for the rest :-) Hang in there!
ReplyDeletePS - I've tagged you in an entry on my blog:
Deletehttp://walks-in-the-woods.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/liebster-award.html
Please don't feel obligated to do it - but I thought it was fun :-)
You are not alone at all...you have done AMAZING things, and this bump in the road will pass. Focus on God and let Him guide you...then do what He tells you, and things WILL get better.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember there are lots of us out here who really care and are cheering for you!! {{hug}}