Crossing Off TWO Goals Today...

I am so proud of myself today!  I am crossing two goals off my list:
- run a quarter mile
- run a half mile

I decided not to do C25K today, but instead just got on the treadmill to see what happened.  I walked the first quarter mile and then tried running.  I ran the second quarter, but then Ben started fussing, so I had to stop.  I crossed that goal off my list though!  I ran a quarter mile!  Once Ben stopped fussing, I got back on the treadmill and went for my half mile goal.  Once I got there, I decided to keep going just a little more until I'd completed a mile and a quarter (a mile ran, a quarter mile walked).  I can now cross off the next goal, which was to run a half mile.  I wish I could cross off the goal after that, which was run a mile, but since I didn't run it consecutively (since I had to stop to deal with Ben), I feel that it would sort of be cheating.  I'll shoot for the goal sometime this week.  :)

I am pretty proud of myself for running 3/4 of a mile consecutively, though.  It was tough near the end, but I know that the more I push myself, the closer I get to reaching my goals.  It's all about that push and desire.  And I have it!

Hoped to See a Number I'd Never Seen Before

I was at 173.6 yesterday morning.  I did C25K yesterday and was under 1300 calories.  I had hoped to see a number I'd never seen before (172's) when I weighed myself this morning.

No such luck.  Close, but not close enough.

I was sitting at 173.2 this morning at 5:15am.

As long as I stay on track until Friday, I should definitely see a number I'd never seen before at my "official" weigh in.  I'm pretty excited about that.  :)

Week 3, Day 1 of C25K...

I started week 3 of C25K today and it seemed a lot easier than it should have been.  You start with a brisk 5 minute warm up walk, then do 2 repetitions of the following:

• jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
• walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
• jog 400 yards (3 minutes)
• walk 400 yards (3 minutes)

The first rep wasn't so bad, but I was getting fatigued by the second rep.  I still stuck it out though.

I still don't love running, but I love how I feel afterwards.  And that just might be how it is for the long haul.  I want to love running, but I just don't see it happening.  I look forward to doing it now, but during the run, I'm hating it the whole time.

More Rambling About C25K...

I decided to do one more day of week 2 of C25K.  As soon as Ben was asleep, I downed my cocktail of 5 Hour Energy and a sugar free Redbull and hopped on the treadmill.  I busted out 25 minutes and decided that I was going to finish off the half hour with a high incline cool down.  As I was messing with the incline, I realized I'd been running on a 4.  I had wondered why the last two times I'd ran it seemed so hard!  LOL  I had just assumed I was fatigued, especially since I'd gone two days without a workout.  Oh, shake my head.  LOL

Clearly I don't know my equipment as well as I should.  I don't turn it off until the next time I get on the treadmill.  I pull the emergency thing to reset my time and distance and I always assumed it reset the incline, too.  Apparently it doesn't.

Tomorrow I start week 3 and I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  I've been perusing runner's blogs and seeing the different ways heavier people started out running and training for their first race.  I'm getting a few ideas on how to change up my training a little.  I was also reading some info about C25K and found out that most people that start the training, give up around week 5 because it's either too tough or progresses too quickly.  I'm wondering if C25K is my thing.  I want to keep doing it, because I don't want to be in that high percentage that gives up.  I want to be a runner.  I want to be in that elite group that I never thought I'd have a chance of being a part of.

I'm just going to have to keep pushing myself.  I'm also going to try some other methods, too.  The first race I know of for sure is in my hometown in September.  That gives me plenty of time to train.  I also know of one that is usually held in July, which is still plenty of time.  I wish I could register now, so I don't chicken out.  I just need to keep giving myself that mental push.  That push that keeps telling me that NO ONE (including myself) ever thought I'd do this and I'm going to prove everyone wrong.  I will run a 5k this summer.  I will.

Finished Week 2 of C25K...

A few posts back I posted a link about Couch to 5k.  I finally finished week 2 of the training.  A quick overview of week 2:

• 5 minute warm up walk
• 90 seconds jogging
• 2 minutes walking
• alternate back and forth 90 second jog/2 minute walk for the duration of 20 minutes total

You do this three times during the week.

Then, after that week, you move on to the next week.  There are 9 weeks of training and they get increasingly more difficult.  Week 9 is a 5 minute warm up and then jog for 30 minutes (or roughly 3 to 3.1 miles, which is the length of a 5k).  I am actually a little nervous to start week 3 next week.  But I am super proud of myself for finally finishing week 2.  I think I had started and restarted week 2 quite a few times, but never did it the three days.  I have to work tomorrow so I don't think I'll get any treadmill time in, but I'm going to try to do one more day of week 2 on Sunday, just to prepare myself for the start of week 3 on Monday.

Weekly Weigh In (01/27/12)

Last week: 177.4
This week: 175.0
Total: - 2.4lbs

I'll admit, I was hoping for something in the 173's, but I'll still take a 2.4 pound loss and be happy.  :)  I have 5 pounds to go and 5 days to achieve my January goal.  It's pretty unrealistic to expect to make it by now.  Had I not binged for a week and a half or so during the month, I may have actually achieved that goal, but I'm not going to look back on the past.  I still lost weight this month and that's the most important part.  That's the point behind all of this, right?

I'm still on the right track.  My weight is lower now than it was at the beginning of the month.  I got back on a work out routine and am making progress.  I didn't completely falter.  I know where I messed up but am ready to keep going in the right direction.  :)

Minor Setback Won't Hold Me Back

I went over my calories today.  Probably by quite a bit.  I'm a sucker for philly steak sandwiches and that was the special today at work.  I had a helping of the meat, onions and green peppers and a couple heaping dollops of the gooey cheese sauce.  It was amazing, and at the time, very worth it.

I believe that I was still in the clear or just barely over after the salad I ate at dinner, but shortly after that, I finished off Kaiden's 6-inch Subway sub.  All it had on it was lettuce, a tomato, a little bacon and some mayo.  But it was the whole 6-inches and according to the Subway nutrition, it was still 400 calories.

So before the yummy philly steak mixture, I was at roughly 1004 calories.  I'm estimating my concoction of philly goodness around 600, just to be somewhat safe.  I hope to be estimating high, but who knows when it comes to evil calorie-laden foods.  LOL

I'm actually pretty bummed that I ate Kaiden's sandwich.  It wasn't worth it.  It wasn't exactly yummy and it had far too many calories for what it consisted of.  :/

I also didn't work out today.  At all.  I kept telling myself that I was going to, but by the time I got home from work and picking up the boys, I was just too exhausted.  I didn't even want to go pick Preston up from work, I was so tired.  I know, excuses, excuses.  And I can own up to that.

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am a little nervous.  I've been weighing daily and this morning was a little higher than I had expected.  After tonight, it may be even higher tomorrow morning.  But I know that for the most part, I did my best.  I ate within my range, didn't binge and worked out at least 3 days.

So, bring on the new day.  I'll get my weigh in out of the way and move on with my goals.  I'm not going to let a minor setback ruin everything I've worked so hard for.  :)

Motivation is What Gets You Started...

You Can't Deny the Lyrics...

Eminem (source)

I have always loved Eminem.  I like his newer stuff way better than his older stuff, though.  I feel like I've watched Eminem grow into himself as an artist and musician.  It's not just fart jokes and celebrity disses and killing his wife anymore.  His music is deeper now.  I almost feel like I'm reading a journal when I listen to his newest albums.

As I was doing my 40 minutes on the treadmill today, Eminem's Not Afraid came on my mp3 player.  I've loved this song since the first time I heard it but today I really listened to it and realized that a portion of his lyrics could be my anthem, my theme song, if you will.

When I say I'ma do somethin I do it,
I don't give a damn what you think,
I'm doin this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if it thinks it's stoppin me
I'ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearin down your balcony.

Those lyrics really spoke to me.  I am setting out to get in shape and no one is going to stop me.  You can doubt me, tell me I'm going to fail, but I'm going to prove you wrong.  I'm stubborn yet strong-headed (thank my father for the former, my mother for the latter).  If I really think about it, there is only one person that thinks I can't do it.  And that person is...me.  When I'm in control and making progress, I don't let anyone, not even myself, get in my way.  But once I falter just a smidgen...I falter all together.  The worst part is that I let it happen.  I don't just pull on my big girl panties and move forward...no, I curl into a little ball and wallow in my own self-pity.  Sometimes it lasts a few days, sometimes it lasts weeks.  I need to stop this self-destruction and prove to myself that I can do this!

Anyway, I got 40 minutes of treadmill time in today.  I did week 2, day 2 of C25K.  I thought it'd be a little easier, but it wasn't really.  I also really wanted to throw in the towel, but at about 16 minutes, Eminem's song came on and I pushed forward.  After the 20 minutes was up for C25K, I did another 20 minutes walking on random inclines.  It felt good.  The muscles in my calves were screaming.  LOL  It feels so good to be so proud of myself.  :)

Stop Making Excuses...

Today Was a Good Day...

I spent the first part of the day cleaning and rearranging the living room to prepare for our annual Super Bowl party that will be held in two weeks.  I stayed so busy that lunch time came and went and I didn't eat until 2:00ish.

After a light lunch, I felt exhausted from all the cleaning and moving the furniture.  I had really wanted to hit the treadmill but the way I felt, I didn't think I'd have the energy.  Finally, I told myself to quit the excuses and just do it.  I wouldn't regret it and I'd be really mad at myself if I didn't.  So I grabbed my mp3 player and started week 2 of Couch to 5k.  It was hard, but I finished the work out this time.  Last time I attempted it, I wussed out at 14 minutes.  I was also sick at the time and having a hard time breathing, so this time was way more manageable.  I did, however, make the mistake of starting the first run on an incline.  After I finished the whole work out, I felt like I was going to die, but once I caught my breath, I felt amazing.  And I didn't regret a single minute.  :)

It's 6:00pm and I just finished dinner.  I've had 1003 calories and burned 208 during my work out.  I'm really proud of myself.

If you're interested in Couch to 5k, download the work out.  My plan is to do a 5k in September, unless I can find one before then.  Or I might try setting up a virtual 5k in the future.  We'll see.  :)

Laundry Day...

I'd like to start this off by saying that I am not a hoarder by any means.  I will admit to keeping small boxes and containers around for awhile, thinking I'll make some super cute modge podge thing, but eventually I realize it's just not happening and I'll throw them away.

However, I realized today, as I was putting laundry away, that I've been hoarding my "fat" clothes.  Now, it's understandable to have done so for maybe 6 months "just in case" but I've been holding on to my fat clothes for almost 3 years.  I tossed my 22's and 24's last time we moved (a year and a half ago) and I'd given my 20's to a relative a year ago last December but she passed away and they were returned to me (kind of creepy, but for some reason, I still have them).  So as I was putting my jeans away in my dresser and cursing myself for not having enough room for everything I realized that if I'd just toss the jeans I never wear because they're too big, I'd have more room.  I started pulling out the 20's and the 18's and got kind of sad.  There was only one pair of 18's and they were these cute cargo pants that I loved.  I had tried to wear them at New Years Eve but they were so baggy, they looked like clown pants.  Made me sad because they had been my favorite jeans a few years ago, but I know it's time for them to go.  Having seen myself in them almost a month ago, I should have tossed them then because I knew I'd never wear them again.  Somehow, they ended up back in the drawer.

So today I am getting rid of my fat clothes.  I know I'm struggling right now, but I also know that I will never wear a size 18 or 20 again.  I also have a few t-shirts that are XL and XXL that are just soooo comfortable to wear around the house.  But I know I look ridiculous in them, as well, so they're going into the pile too.

It feels good to really let go of my past.  I look at those clothes and it makes me sad.  I'm far from my goal, but I'm two-thirds closer than I was 3 years ago.  And that feels good, no matter how sad I am that I'm struggling.  I've made it this far.  It took a long time.  And it may take just as long to get to my goal.  But I'm getting there.

*sigh*

That is all...  :/

Weekly Weigh In (1/20/12)...

Last week: 175.0
This week: 177.4
Total: + 2.4lbs

Not surprised.  I forgot to weigh this morning, so this weight is from a few minutes ago.  I usually weigh at 8:00am.

Today was a better day, over all.  I had been an emotional mess the last couple days but today wasn't so bad.  I didn't binge (yet) so that's a plus, too.  :)

I probably won't be reaching my first monthly goal because of my laziness and my lack of self control.  I've accepted it and I'm trying to move forward and just be happy and motivated.  We'll see how it goes.

Don't Complain About Being Fat...

Weekly Weigh In (01/13/12)...

Last week: 175.0
This week: 175.0
Total: +/- 0lbs

Well, I maintained this week.  Better than gaining, I suppose.

Tomorrow is Weigh In...

I'm really nervous.  I haven't done very well this week.  I've given in to temptation too many times.  :/  I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of self control.  It happens so often that you would think I'd be used to it by now.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow just to get it out of the way, so I can work towards the following Friday weigh in.  It's too late to really fix the mess I got myself into this week for it to make much of a difference tomorrow.  I'm still working on making the most out of the calories I have left for today.  Normally, if I've screwed up, it gave me free reign to continue a binge and really throw the whole day away.  I'm trying to teach myself that messing up during the day does not allow me the freedom to really lose control.  So far, so good.  I think.

I've been sort of out of it lately.  Really tired and lacking any sort of motivation whatsoever.  I've been cranky, too.  I think I just need to eat a juicy cheeseburger or have some loaded nachos.  Man, that sounds awesome.  LOL

I May Not Be There Yet...

My 1000 Calorie Restriction...

A few people on Twitter were asking me how I lost 6.8 pounds in one week.  Well, it wasn't exactly easy, but I found foods that were low in calorie but that filled me up.  I also tend to eat the same thing a lot, since I know the calories in the meal and I know where it leaves me with calories for later.  Last week, when I lost almost 7 pounds, one day of my diet consisted of:


Breakfast - Egg White Openfaced Breakfast Sandwich:
fried egg white (using calorie free PAM) (17 calories)
2% american cheese slice (50 calories)
half an english muffin (60 calories)
total calories: 127

Snack:
1% cottage cheese (80 calories)

Lunch:
strawberries and cream oatmeal (130 calories)
frozen strawberries (25 calories)
total calories: 155

Dinner - BBQ Chicken and Parmesan Pasta:
bbq sauce (30 calories)
chicken (70 calories)
pasta (221 calories)
parmesan cheese (40 calories)
total calories: 361

Snack:
popcorn (4 cups) (140 calories)

Total calories for the day: 863


My caloric goal is 1300 calories, but with what I've been eating lately, I've been under 1000 calories (except I binged yesterday - not good, but back on track today).  I have been drinking more water and less soda and alcohol.  I have never eaten much red meat anyway, so that's not a problem.  I don't eat pork at all.  I get my protein from fish (tilapia is filling and very low calorie) and chicken or turkey.  I try not to eat out (I live in the middle of nowhere, so that's not hard) because even if you look up the calories online, the portions are typically larger, therefore the calories aren't accurate (I've been testing this when we do eat out.  My gordita from Taco Bell the other night was 13 grams more than the website said it should be).

I am by no means a professional or a doctor or a nutritionist.  I only know what I've read or been advised by my own doctor and nutritionists.  I know that calorie restriction is not healthy but I also believe that it's better to eat only if you're hungry.  The foods I've been eating have been keeping me full.  If I get hungry, I find something to eat (unless it's past 8:00pm - I'm trying not to eat so close to bedtime).

I'm a pretty picky eater but I don't push my values on anyone else.  I have a house full of boys and I let them decide what we eat around here (for the most part).  I have just learned to eat around what everyone else wants to eat.  And it works.  :)

You Are What You Eat...

When I See Your Face, I Want to Cry

My friend, Tyler

Throughout high school, there was this guy that picked on me a lot.  I really couldn't stand him.  But after graduation, the summer before we went to college, we ended up hanging out in the same social circle and we became close friends.  During Winter break our first year of college, he rolled his car and died.  I'd never had a friend die before.  I took it really, really hard.  The way I saw it, it was so unfair that I'd known this guy for years and when we finally developed a good friendship, he was taken from me.  I ended up falling into a deep depression and quitting college.  I didn't know how to cope.

That was 12 years ago last Saturday.  Friends on Facebook posted pictures of him and remembered the good times.  I cried a lot inside on Saturday.  I again mourned the friend I'd lost so quickly.

After seeing the pictures posted of him this weekend, I got to looking through other pictures on my laptop taken around that same time.  I was disgusted with what I saw.  I was so heavy in high school.  And I didn't seem to care.  Sure, I hated not being asked on dates or having anyone to dance with at the dances, but other than that, I didn't seem to want to make an effort to change anything.  I was a mess and I couldn't even see what everyone else saw.  It angers me that I wasted so much time being fat.  Why didn't I care?  Why didn't I change things so I could be happy?  I was miserable in high school.  I hated it.  I dreaded going to school and couldn't wait for it to be over.  But instead of wishing away my high school years because I hated them, why didn't I do something about my unhappiness and try to make it better?  I don't know.  I'll never know the answer to those questions.  I shouldn't dwell on it, because it's too late now, but I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that instead of waiting 15 years to get in shape and be happy, I should start back then, when it really counts and I can really enjoy it!

However, after thinking about all of that, I got to thinking even further and asked myself if I'm happy now.  I love my husband and my children, no doubt about that.  But am I happy with myself?  Honestly?  No, not really.  All I do is think about food and my weight.  It's an obsession.

I'm so tired of focusing so much attention on food and calories and weight loss and restricting and the scale.  I'm tired of weighing every thing I put in my mouth.  I'm tired of wondering how many calories are in something that I don't eat regularly.  I'm tired of having the calories of pretty much every other food item memorized.  I'm tired of hating the skinny girls that can eat pizza and chips and candy bars and drink regular soda without a second thought.  I'm tired of obsessing.

I just want to be normal.

Weekly Weigh In (01/06/12)

Last week: 181.8
This week: 175.0
Total: - 6.8lbs

Shocking, right?  LOL  But the scale only lies when I gain.  ;)

Anyway, I went on a serious calorie restriction this week.  I didn't have more than 1000 calories since the 1st.  I didn't track Friday or Saturday after the last weigh in, but after that, I buckled down and never went over 1000 calories.  Some days were harder than others.  It wasn't so bad the first couple days because I was having stomach issues and I wasn't at work.  Once I had to work though, things got a little tougher because food is everywhere there and it was sort of a test to my self control.  But, I passed.  :)

A few blog entries ago I said I was going to stop weighing myself on non-weigh in days.  Well, I failed at that.  Instead, I weighed myself every day and tracked it in my journal, along with everything I put in my mouth.  I think it's helping.  :)

I am half way to my first weight goal of 2012.  My goal was to be at 170 by February 1st.  That will be a total 100 pound loss since I started this journey in March of 2009.  I know I can do it.  :)

I also accomplished two other goals with this weigh in so I can cross them off the list:
- 177 (prepregnancy weight with Benjamin
- 175 (prepregnancy weight with Brandon)

I am on track with accomplishing my mini goals and reaching my ultimate goal.  I will be at a healthy weight by the time I celebrate my first wedding anniversary!