Bittersweet Last Day

flowers from my boss :)

Today was my last day of work and it was so bittersweet.  I'm happy to be away from all of the terrible temptations but I'll definitely miss the new friends I've made.

Unfortunately, with my departure, came a binge.  I am so uncomfortably right now that moving is a huge effort and kind of makes me want to vomit.  I'm not proud, especially since I haven't binged in a very long time.  :/

Other than that, I don't have much to say.  I thought today was going to be a good day, but I didn't realize that leaving my job was going to be as sad as it was.  I didn't realize that I'd made any impact on anyone in the short time I'd been there (7 months) but I found out that people there actually liked me.  I never knew.  Guess that is part of my self esteem issue that I hope to someday overcome.

Tomorrow is weigh in and it won't be pretty.  I haven't worked hard at all this week but hopefully with the new week and new month and no job to interfere with my goals, I'll be back on track!  Here's to me!

And They Called Her Bean

A lady I work with was going through her college daughter's clothes that she long ago outgrew and offered to let me have whatever I wanted.  She gave me a bunch of size 14 jeans and they all fit!  In fact, a couple were sort of loose...not like falling off the hips loose, but loose enough that I think I could squeeze into a 12!  :)  Progress!

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I haven't been sleeping well the last few nights.  I'm not sure why my sleep isn't very restful, but I feel like I'm waking up every hour or so.  My dreams have been strange, too.  I can't remember most of them now, but I had a very disturbing one about Ben dying.  That one has stuck with me and it makes me a little sick to think that my brain is thinking like that.  :/

We've been looking for another dog.  Ben loves dogs, but Bettis (our boxer) has always been told to stay away from Ben because the baby was too small and the dog was too big and we were afraid that Bettis would hurt him unintentionally.  Now that Ben is older, he wants to pet Bettis and play with him, but Bettis is skiddish around him now.  So we decided to get a small dog.  I was holding out for a jack russell or a scottish terrier, but Brandon went to look at a different dog with Preston and he fell in love.  So, she came home with him.   She's a dachshund cross of some sort and the boys have named her Bean.

Tomorrow is my last day of work!  Yay!  It's sort of bittersweet.  I'll miss having adult conversations on a regular basis and I'll miss seeing some of the new friends I've met, but I'm really happy and feel incredibly lucky that we can afford for me to stay home with the kids during the summer.  I'm also excited that my diet will be considerably healthier now that I'll have no choice but to eat at home most of the time.  The nice thing about living in a very small town is that we don't have fast food restaurants or even a gas station so junk food isn't as easily accessible.

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Tomorrow I'm doing another three miler.  Hopefully it'll be easier than the three miles I did yesterday!  Even when I want to quit, I just won't allow myself too.  I'm not sure where this determination is coming from, but it sure is a pain in the butt nice...  :)

Geocaching With the Boys

How did you spend your Memorial Day?  We decided to spend the day geocaching the Nebraska and Colorado countryside.  We left around 9am and didn't get home until 7pm or so.  After dinner and bedtime rituals, I was exhausted and just couldn't blog.  Hopefully that'll be the last time in a long time that I miss a blog post!  :)

We hit about 11 locations and found all but two of the caches.  It was a lot of fun.  (Sorry, this post is going to be kind of picture heavy.)

Preston - 1st cache

Preston, Kaiden and Brandon - 1st cache

me signing the log at the 2nd cache

Brandon, Kaiden and Preston at the 3rd cache

4th cache - nothing there but a history lesson

Where you see Preston and the boys standing is called four corners.  Brandon is in one county in Nebraska, Kaiden is sort of in one county in Nebraska and Preston is in a county in Colorado.  The next corner away from Preston is yet another county in Nebraska.  Pretty neat.  :)

Preston 5th cache

 a magnetic nano was the 6th cache

Kaiden and Preston (and Brandon) at the 7th cache

Preston with the 8th cache log

Brandon with the 9th cache

We are trying to be more active outside with the kids and I think we've hit a great activity.  It was kind of cool - a lot of the locations we'd been to before but had no idea those caches were there because we weren't looking for anything.  Plus, we learned a lot about different places we'd been to before in passing.  The kids had a blast.  The boys are really into treasure hunting so this was right up their alley.  :)

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I haven't ran since my five miler on Friday, so I had a feeling it was going to be rough today.  I did three miles and it was HOT and kind of tough.  I had a full belly (ate dinner late and then decided I really needed to run), not enough water and it was still 80 degrees.  It could have been worse.  I know, I gripe a lot about running, but it's been pretty rare for me to have a good run.  I keep hoping it'll get easier, which is why I keep pushing myself.  It'll come, right?

3 miles, 39:30, 13:10 pace, 385 calories burned

Slower than I'd like, but I'm trying to quit obsessing about my pace.  I just need to concentrate on getting to the finish line, right?  One foot in front of the other...

Skipped Run, But Swam Some

I hope everyone has had a great, yet uneventful Memorial Day weekend, thus far.  I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday because we left for the lake pretty early and got home a little late.  I'm not sure if I got too much sun or was somewhat dehydrated, but I felt awful by the time we got home.  I had a throbbing headache located in the back of my head and I tossed and turned all night.  Finally, around 2am, I took three tylenol.  Well, they didn't agree with me.  A short time after, I had to go and throw them up.  My stomach just couldn't handle them.  :/  Luckily, I woke up relatively pain free.  I felt a bit queasy still, but I made it through the entire day at work and was fine by the time I got home.  Just super tired.  :/

Regardless of all that, we had a really great time at the lake.  Ben had been at the lake a couple times last year, near the end of summer, but he was only a month old, so he didn't really get to enjoy the water and sand and stuff.  This year, he was pretty iffy about it the sand and water, but he quickly got used to it:

Ben with my mother in law

We took the older kids on a boat ride and they each got to drive the boat (well, except for Brandon, who chose not to).  I got a pretty cute shot of Kaiden on the boat:

Kaiden modeling my sunglasses

 

Ben and I

We had a great time at the lake.  We've been going to this lake every year since Preston and I got together.  We have always gone out on the boat and Preston and the rest of the people that go out usually stop and have a swim break.  I have never, in the 6 years we've been going there, jumped in the water.  I swim just fine.  I just never had the nerve to jump in that deep of water, that far from shore.  But something came over me and I jumped in this time.  It felt great!  It wasn't much exercise probably, but it felt really nice to be in the cool water and swim around.  I did end up getting more sun than I'd hoped.  I made sure to spray my feet with sunscreen over and over, because the last thing I needed was another excuse for poor running or even skipping a run.

I didn't get my four miler in today, which I'd pretty much anticipated.  I'm planning on trying to make it up sometime, along with the three miler I'd skipped a few weeks back.  I'm still feeling good about my training.  I have three, three and four miles scheduled this week.  A little weird, but I consider this an easy week.  I still hate anything more than 2 miles, but after running five miles the other day, three miles sounds pretty great.  LOL

After my five miler on Friday, I woke up Saturday morning feeling pretty great.  I thought for sure I'd be sore, but I wasn't!  That's a good sign, right!?  LOL

First Five Miler Did Not Rock

Thanks for the nice things about my loss today!  I'm feeling great about my self control and determination.  Hopefully I don't lose that though and spiral out of control.  One day at a time, right!?  LOL

5.03 miles, 1:09:31, 13:50 pace, 648 calories burned

So, I ran today.  I did two miles and should have circled back, but since this weekend is going to be busy, I decided to keep going and do my long run today (my first 5 miler) rather than my boring old 4 miler.  Yeah, I should have stuck to the schedule.  As soon as I took a few steps past two miles, my left calf cramped up and the arch of my foot started to hurt.  I powered through, though.  I probably shouldn't have, but I really felt that if I didn't do it today, I might not get it done at all this weekend, what with our big Memorial weekend plans (going to the lake and drinking some beer).  My pace was super slow, which was really disappointing because my first 2 miles I had a fantastic pace!  I was so proud of myself.  But I just didn't have it in me the whole 5 miles.  :/  I am obsessed with getting faster and it just isn't happening.  I suppose I could really blame it on the leg cramp this time (which, by the way, still hurts and I'm just laying on the couch) but I'm really about tired of having excuses.

Regardless of my pace, though and how tough the longer mileage is, I'm super proud of myself for sticking with it, even though it's hard.  I have an addictive personality, so once I find something I like, I tend to become obsessed with it.  That...or I give up when it gets too hard.  And I've thought about quitting a few times, but I just keep pushing myself because I set a goal to run a 5k and I will at least see that through, even if I do end up quitting altogether afterwards.

And don't get me wrong...I'm pretty proud of my accomplishment with weight loss too, and I know that there are people out there that are struggling (which I totally sympathize about) but when I look at my reflection or I put on my jeans, all I see are my big hips and chunky thighs.  These things may never change thanks to genetics and childbirth, but someday, I'd like to see myself in a single digit pants size.

I'm trying not to stress about this or even dwell on it too much, but I have an image distortion problem, which is strange because I didn't have this problem when I was much heavier.  When I was heavier, I didn't think that I was really as heavy as my reflection and pictures showed.  But now that I'm smaller, I see myself as larger than I really am.  It's a curse.  :/

Now, I can't end my blog on a pity party, so I'm going to show you a super cute picture of my baby boy.  He's very, very close to trying to walk.  He has spent the last two days letting go of stuff and standing by himself for a few seconds before his butt hit the floor.  This picture doesn't show his new found talent, however it makes me laugh when I see it:

so innocent...or is he??

he knows he's handsome; such a flirt

Yeah, I have other kids, but they despise the camera because they grew up with it in their faces.  Benjamin will come to hate it too, I'm sure.  :)

Weekly Weigh In (05/25/12)

Last week: 174.4
This week: 172.6
Total: - 1.8

It's only been 5 days since my last weigh in since I switched days again, but a 1.8 pound loss is a good start.  :)  Now, if only I keep this up...

Taking Measurements

So I woke up this morning with not much stomach pain.  Maybe I ate something bad, I don't know.  It still felt kind of tender first thing this morning, but as the day went on, I stopped noticing it.  So that's good!  :)

I'm going to start off this post with a sort of temper tantrum, if you will.  I read a lot of blogs and unfortunately, I compare myself to every single other woman out there.  It's a terrible habit that I'm trying to overcome, but it's a slow process.  I know I've come a very long way.  I've maintained a 100 pound loss, even with being pregnant for nine months.  However, I'm really frustrated that I'm not wearing a smaller size.  I have worn a size 14/16 for what seems like forever!  I see these other women posting about being the same weight as me but wearing a single digit size!  It's so frustrating.  I know, I know...bodies are shaped differently and I'm short and squat and all the jazz, but I feel like my measurements should be going somewhere.  *sigh*

However, I'm not 100% sure I'm taking my measurements correctly.  As far as I know, I take them in the same place every time, but there hasn't been any movement in a very, very long time.  Even though I'm not losing weight, I figured with running, my legs, calves and arms would be changing.  I can see the change, but the measurements aren't showing anything.
 

some of these places are not exactly where I measure

I didn't track my calories yesterday since I was at work and ate a couple things that I wasn't sure of the calories.  On days like that, I'm just trying to eat intuitively.  I didn't over do it, which is unusual.  Of course, I had the stomach issues, but it didn't stop me from eating.  I tracked my calories today and so far, so good.  It helps that it's my day off and I'm stuck at home and I'm left with whatever I can come up with in the house.  We don't keep a lot of snacks on hand.  Preston likes chips, which, depending on the kind, can be a binge food.  Luckily, he understands that and is willing to keep my favorites out of the house.  We do buy ice cream, snack cakes, pudding and stuff like that for the kids and Preston's lunch, but I am pretty good about staying away from those (although, I've been on an ice cream kick lately and it might be becoming a problem).  I usually have popcorn or cereal around for my snack.

I switched my weigh ins back to Fridays, so tomorrow is weigh in for me.  I've already done a pretty good job of reversing my gain from Monday (yep, I snuck on the scale this morning).  I'm pretty confident that I'm back on track, slowly but surely.  I'm determined.

Anything But a Dream Run

I had the best run last night. I had a great pace and I didn't have any troubles with my breathing. I felt like I could run forever...and I probably could have, had I not woken up. ;)

Okay, in all seriousness, even though I didn't run last night, I did run this evening and it was anything but a dream.  :(  The run itself wasn't too bad.  My pace was all over the place, though.  At one point, I saw 10:30, but then I also saw 14:50, so even though I tried my hardest to get the best pace I've ever had, I ended up with 13:17 overall.  I should be happy that it was that low, considering I had horrible cramping stomach pain the entire time.

I have not had a good day.  I spent more time in the bathroom than I'd ever like to spend in there ever again and whenever I ate something, my stomach would start cramping and hurting really badly.  I really wanted to put off my three miler today, but I'd already put it off once and I wasn't about to blog AGAIN that I didn't run.  This IS a running/weight loss blog and since I'm not losing weight, I might as well keep up with the other half of the purpose of this blog.  ;)

Seriously though, had I not had stomach issues, I really think this could have been my best run yet.  My legs were burning through most of the run, but my breathing was spot on and I just kept pushing through everything.  I'm still not loving running, but I'm noticing that distance is getting somewhat easier.  I remember a time when a mile seemed daunting.  Now when I go out to run and I'm not sure I want to do the entire mileage scheduled, I tell myself I won't do anything less than two miles.  I never thought two miles would be my minimum.  Who am I and where has the lazy, non-running Marcia gone!?  LOL

As for my stomach pain, maybe one of you might have an idea what's wrong.  The pain feels like what I'd assume appendicitis would feel like, except that it's mainly on the left side.  The pain is under by ribs and radiates across my stomach to just past my belly button.  It's also been kind of "grumbly" (what Preston lovingly refers to as "bubble guts") and spent far too much time in the bathroom.  The pain wasn't so bad this morning, but it's gotten worse as the day went on and after my run it was really bad.  During my run, when I'd have to take deep breaths, it'd really hurt.  :/  I'm not sure what the deal is.  If it keeps up, of course I'll see the doctor, but I want to ride it out and see what it's like tomorrow.  I'm really not too worried, just irritated with the pain.

The Skinny Clothes Collection

I am serious about getting back on track.  I have spent far too long watching the scale go up and down.  I'm tired of being proud of myself for losing a few pounds and turning around a week later and seeing a gain.  The work is worth it, but it goes hand in hand with eating right.  Eating right seems to be my downfall right now and I'm NOT willing to wait until I'm done working at the gas station to get back on track.  Who knows how bad things could get in that time period.  I am not willing to find out.  I'm done doing the teeter totter, up and down fight with the scale.  (Note: I also take my measurements monthly, but they aren't budging either).  :(

I started tracking my food again on SparkPeople (friend me - mmleikam) and I found the app very easy to use on my phone.  One reason I wanted a Droid was so that I could use the SP app, but once I got my new phone, I never took the time to check it out.  I've had the SP app on my phone for almost 4 months but today is the first time I've ever used it.  I'm really digging it.  :)

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I started working on my own "honey do" list today.  I didn't get too far because, regardless of what Preston seems to think (and he thinks I gave myself "easy" stuff to do), a lot of what I have on my list is time consuming.  I have been so behind on laundry the last few weeks that we've all been pretty much living out of laundry baskets.  :/  I finally got everything washed, dried, folded and hung up (except the kids' stuff - they're supposed to put their own laundry away, but they rarely do).  I got Kyle's clothes sorted and put away so that when he comes to stay with us for six weeks this summer all of his stuff is where he can find it.

8 super cute jeans ranging in several different sizes

We got a new dresser for our bedroom, a bigger one.  I have an extra drawer on my side that I don't use, so I decided to put my "skinny" clothes in it (rather than keep them in 2 boxes in my closet).  My skinny clothes collection is shirts and jeans that I've found at clearance price or at the Goodwill or other thrift stores that I absolutely loved but knew I couldn't wear - yet.  Some people say this is not good practice, just like holding on to your "fat" clothes.  But this has worked for me, actually.  I've been buying slightly smaller sized clothes since I started losing weight and I've always managed to wear them eventually.  However, since I've been stalled for a really, really long time, my collection has multiplied faster than I could wear them.  I currently have 8 pairs of jeans and 6 tshirts that are too snug for me to wear.  However, maybe I'll have more determination to wear them if they're not stuffed away in boxes where I can't see them.

I love all of these shirts but the Bob Marley one
and the Steelers one are my favorites

I ran out of time today to get my run in. I'm really disappointed, but it was still in the high 80's by 8:00 so I just decided to postpone it.  I WILL get all 12 miles in this week that I'm scheduled, but since it's already Tuesday, I might be doing two runs back to back.  It is what it is.  :)

Joining the VFD

Thanks for all the awesome support regarding my weigh in today.  I nearly cried when I stepped on the scale, but I was short on time, so I didn't really have a lot of time to think about it until after I got to work and was bored.  I know I have it in me.  I've come so far.  I'm just getting lazy, as far as watching what I eat is concerned.  If I am really honest with myself, I just don't want to do it.  I like eating bad food if it's available.  :/  But, I really think that once I'm away from that stuff on a constant, 8 hour basis, I'll be able to get back on track.  I just don't have will power or self control.

I am off tomorrow and totally looking forward to finally spending a day with the boys without a lot of running around.  My house has been severely neglected.  I gave Preston a "honey do" list Saturday night for stuff he could work on when he needed a project.  I didn't exactly expect him to work on it any time soon, but he got the whole damn list done while I was at work on Sunday!  I, on the other hand, had a similar list (mostly stuff like getting winter clothes put in storage and bringing summer clothes out of storage - that sort of thing) and I haven't even had a chance to touch it yet.  Tomorrow I'll start working on it.  I am really looking forward to having the summer off so maybe my house can look like a house again, rather than a cluttered mess of miscellaneous nonsense.

random firefighter - nobody I know (source)

Preston and I dropped off our applications to join the volunteer fire department (VFD) this evening.  I've been wanting to do this for awhile but Preston was hesitant.  He was on the fire department about 10 years ago and the fire chief isn't one of Preston's biggest fans.  Preston was kind of a hellion when he was younger and it seems like a lot of people in this town remember him that way, rather than realizing that he has grown up and become a man, a husband and a father.  *shrug*  Anyway, he finally decided that it's something he wants to get involved in again and I'm excited because I didn't want to do it without him (remember, social situations where I don't know anyone makes me super nervous).  So, we dropped the applications off and should find out next month after they vote to see if they're going to accept us and get us each a sponsor.  I'm really nervous about this.  I know it's a lot of hard work and I'm pretty sure I can get past the physical part (I hope).  It's the mental part I'm having a hard time with.  The first time I'm on a call where I know the victim(s), I might freak out.  Blood doesn't make me squirmy exactly, but seeing people in pain does.  Eventually I'd like to take the classes to become an EMT, but that is something to think about for the future.

I have this calendar that I keep track of everything in.  It's just a cheap $1 pocket calendar from the dollar store, but I keep track of my training schedule and running, my gym time and my period in it, along with other things that happen to come up.  Anyway, I couldn't find it this morning and I nearly had a meltdown.  I was so upset.  Finally I noticed it under the end table by the couch and I literally squealed with happiness when I saw it.  Silly girl.  LOL

Weekly Weigh In (05/21/12)

Last week: 172.2
This week: 174.4
Total: + 2.2

:(  I don't even know what to say.  Yes, another big gain.  *sigh*  I have got to get this under control.  Talk about scary.  I really have to get back to counting calories (I have slacked off the last few days).  I used to have a loss every week.  Somewhere along the way, I got way off track and just started bobbing up and down around the same area.  However, the last few weeks, it's been a steady gain and that scares the crap out of me.

I've decided to switch back to Friday weigh ins.  I'm confusing, I know.  :/  I know I'm not doing very well right now with the whole weight loss thing, but once I'm done working at the gas station (11 more days!) and being around all the crappy, bad temptations, I should have better self control and be able to get back on track.  I just don't do well when all that crap is right there, in my face.  :/  Zero self control.  Sad, but true.

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Jen at Miles, Muscles & Mommyhood is giving away a 1BandID.  Now, I love her blog.  I love her muscles.  I would give just about anything to have guns like hers.  :)  However, this is NOT a plug about her muscles.  LOL  As I said, she's giving away a 1BandID and I really, really want one.  I've seen the RoadID's and didn't like them because they're just another thing I have to wear.  My Garmin distracts me enough (I've never been a watch wearer and bracelets tend to drive me bonkers) so that and the RoadID woud just be too much.  However, what I love about the 1BandID is that it attaches directly to the strap on your watch, your GPS watch or your HRM watch.  What a fantastic idea!  So, since I love Jen's blog and I really want to win, I thought I'd pimp it out a little bit.  ;)

My Feet Hurt

If someone asked me to use one word to describe myself, I'd definitely have to go with "stubborn."  I rarely give up and I rarely give in, even if I really, really want to.  I very much dislike disappointing myself, and if I do, I dwell on it for a very long time.  :/  The day I skipped my three miler, I beat myself up over it.  I still haven't fully forgiven myself.  Yes, I'm very hard on myself.

4 miles, time: 54:27, pace: 13:29, 493 calories burned

The reason I say this is because I had four miles scheduled today but I really wasn't feeling it.  Preston finally told me that if I didn't go run, he wasn't putting out (LOL, silly man) so finally I laced up my shoes and headed out the door.  Lately, when I've been running, I've been doing an out and back.  As I parked the car at the old highway, I figured I'd just do two miles because I'd worked all day and I thought it was too cold out (I'm a sissy when it drops below 72 degrees) and I just DID NOT WANT TO RUN.  Once I hit a mile, though, I thought, well, I might as well do 2.5 miles.  But once I hit 1.25 miles, I told myself I might as well go another quarter mile further so that when I turned around and got back to the car, it'd be three miles.  But once I got to a mile and a half, I said screw it and went on to two miles.  I turned around at two miles and headed back.  At 2.5 miles, I looked back and realized that I could finally see part of the eclipse.  It'd been cloudy all day, so when we should have been able to see the eclipse, it was hidden by clouds.  :(  I stopped the Garmin and tried to take a picture with my phone but it decided to die just when I wanted to take a picture.  Oh well.  Anyway, I finished the last mile and a half and was so thankful to be done.  I was also happy that I'd done the four miles I was supposed to do.  I really think I would have regretted it and even been angry with myself had I stopped earlier.  I'm glad I pushed myself.

My feet are killing me, though.  :/

My pace was pretty slow tonight.  I just could not, for the life of me, get into this run.  I had a stitch in my side most of the time, too, which really didn't help things.  Oh well.  I finished.  That's all I care about.  LOL

I have a three miler, a four miler and oh my god a five miler scheduled for this coming week.  I'm downright terrified of the five miler.  It just might be the death of me.

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Since I worked today, Preston made dinner again tonight.  We decided to go the easy route and just throw a pizza on the grill.  It turned out really good.  :)

not a good picture: four cheese pizza

Preston Made Dinner

Preston and I went out last night to celebrate our anniversary.  We kind of had a rocky start.  My parents were taking the boys for the evening but invited us out for dinner before we went out for the night.  Before the drinks even hit the table, Kaiden started acting up because the server brought him a small kids cup and Brandon got a larger, adult cup for his drink.  I was already stressed out because we had to wait 20 minutes for a table (in a very small, extremely humid entry way) and a different table of 8 tried to cut in line and take the table we had waited so long for.  So, needless to say, I was already on edge.  Kaiden threw a tantrum about the cup that they brought him and I told him that I'd remedy the situation if he'd just give me a second.  Preston tried to give Kaiden his soda instead and in the process, ended up knocking over his drink and soaking Kaiden.  I lost it.  I got pissy with Preston (I never said I was the perfect wife) and he left the table and went outside.  :/  We talked it out but I think he was somewhat embarrassed with the way I treated him in front of my parents, so I went back inside and helped clean Kaiden up.  I apologized profusely to my parents and told them that if they didn't mind, we were going to go somewhere else to eat because I just needed to be alone with Preston.  They were very understanding, so I told the boys I'd see them later.

We ended up going to a bar and I had a yummy, perfectly grilled cheeseburger and some fries while Preston had a steak.  My friend Shelby, who'd gone to Las Vegas with us and was my maid of honor at our ceremony, ended up joining us for a couple drinks.

While at the bar, we ran into some friends that we hadn't seen in a very long time and they were so full of compliments about my weight loss.  One friend even commented that I seemed happier now, then when I was heavier, which got me to thinking that I really AM happier.  Losing the weight has made me a happier, more confident person.  Another guy overheard me mention that I wanted to lose 35 more pounds still and he asked me if I even had 35 more pounds to lose because he couldn't imagine where I'd lose it from.  That was a really nice compliment!  I am getting better at accepting compliments, too.  I used to have a negative response to compliments, but I've learned to say thank you, rather than deter them.  :)

I realized this morning, however, that I'm getting too old to be staying out too late.  I wasn't hungover or anything, but I've just been super sluggish all day.  Part of that may be due to the weather.  It has done nothing but rain all day long.  Preston and I went to the grocery store, but that's about all I did today.  I spent most of the day on couch, either sleeping or reading.  Thankfully I hadn't really planned on running today, so I don't feel guilty about not doing so.  I definitely have to do it tomorrow, though.

Preston decided that he was going to make dinner tonight.  He made oven roasted potatoes that were seasoned with a packet of onion soup powder and garlic powder and a little extra virgin olive oil.  He also made baked chicken with a bit of cheese on it (and that white stuff in the picture is sour cream - I dip my chicken in it rather than ketchup or BBQ sauce).  It was all very good.  For dessert, he made me a peach ice cream shake (he even measured everything out for me and it was 320 calories of creamy, peachy goodness).  :)

It doesn't look like much food, but I'm stuffed!  I'm ready to just kick back on the couch again and watch a movie and wait for my parents to bring the boys home.  :)

One Year Wedding Anniversary

kind of sad, but at least he was honest LOL

A year ago today, I was in Las Vegas marrying my best friend.  It was a really awesome trip.  I'd never been on an airplane and never taken a trip far away from home (aside from vacations with my parents and weekend trips just several hours away).  I had the greatest time, even though I was seven months pregnant and couldn't imbibe.  :)  We did a ton of walking and sight seeing and even won some money gambling!  I absolutely cannot wait to go back.  We were only there for 4 days so we didn't get to see everything that I wanted to see, but I did see a lot of awesome things!

at the Mirage - yes, 7 months pregnant and lookin' good ;)

Marrying Preston was one of the greatest days of my life.  I knew I wanted to be his wife from the start.  He's an amazing man and I'm so incredibly happy that he's mine.  I can't imagine myself with anyone else.  I can be my nerdy self with him and he is totally okay with it, even if he doesn't understand it.  We are usually on the same wavelength and though don't necessarily finish each others sentences, but one of us will often say out loud what the other is thinking.

He has been an amazing influence on the person I've become.  I used to be a very timid, shy person.  I'm still not a fan of social situations where I don't know anyone, but it doesn't take me very long to open up now.  I used to be an introvert, but I always knew there was an extrovert inside.  Now I'm fun and outgoing and not at all afraid to be heard.  ;)  I love to try new things and don't care if people might see me.  I sometimes wish I'd been this person in high school - I'd probably have had a totally difference experience had I been more outgoing.  :/

I owe so much to Preston.  My world would definitely not the same without him.  He's my everything.  Not only did he help me "find myself" but he also gave me two more beautiful sons and let me be a mother to two more wonderful kids, my stepdaughter Blair and my stepson Kyle.

first kiss as husband and wife

I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with this man.  We've come so far.  Here's to many more years!

A Painless and Uneventful Run

3.03 miles, time: 39:17, pace: 12:57, calories burned 415

I had a four miler scheduled, but since I put it off for so long (procrastination at it's finest), it got dark by the time I was half way thru so I finished at 3 miles.  I added some quick sprints a few times during my run, when I was feeling good and strong, and it seemed to help my pace.  I finished quicker, anyway.  :)  This whole run felt good.  It was really nice and cool the entire time and I focused on breathing and just putting one foot in front of the other.  I've ran the same route about 4 or 5 times now, so I'm getting to know the landmarks pretty well when it comes to distance (even though it's a lot of flatland so landmarks are pretty few and far between - a sign, tree or bush here or there, LOL).

I'm going to have to keep an eye on when the sun is supposed to set because, as I mentioned, it was dark about half way thru my run and it was kind of scary.  I didn't dress for running in the dark, either (black, pink and white plaid shorts, pink sports bra and black tank top and black running shoes).  I don't think my pasty white legs and arms really count as reflective gear.  LOL  Luckily, I only had one truck pass me and he was decent enough to slow down (although I wasn't positive he saw me at first - maybe he was just out for a nice evening drive).  I paused the Garmin and got in the ditch because even though I'm not distrustful, I AM a woman and I was all by myself, in the middle of nowhere in the dark.  So yeah, I was kind of nervous and didn't really want him to notice my vulnerability.  :/  Anyway, I'm considering buying one of those Jogger Pepper Spray things, just because I'm paranoid like that.  It's probably overkill, but I don't like feeling nervous or uncomfortable when I'm alone.

One other thing I wanted to mention was that this run was pretty uneventful.  No falls this time or anymore missing toenails (yet).  My finger is still pretty sore from being split open and it makes using the laptop a little painful, but other than that, I'm healing quite nicely.  :)  Weirdly enough, I'm a little proud of my injuries.  I feel like a "real" runner now.  LOL

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So, come to find out, school ends pretty early around here compared to other places.  Graduation is always the weekend of Mother's Day in May and the rest of the grades usually get out the week after.  :)  However, I'm curious, when do you guys start school?  We usually start the second week of August.  We've been known to start as early as the 11th and as late as the 18th.

Tomorrow is me and Preston's first wedding anniversary.  We don't have any plans, which is fine with me.  My mom is taking the boys for the evening and all day Saturday, so we'll probably do something, which is mainly why I finally got off the couch and ran tonight.  I really didn't want to have to squeeze in a run tomorrow when I know I'm going to want to relax and just spend the evening with my husband.  :)

Summer Vacation Begins

I am exhausted.  I took a much needed rest day today.  I have four miles tomorrow and then another three mile run ends the week.  I'm feeling pretty good about this week so far.  :)

As of 3:30 this afternoon, summer vacation has begun.  :)  Today was Brandon's last day of school.  It's a little hard to believe I'll have a 4th grader, a Kindergartener and a 1 year old in August.  I plan on keeping the boys pretty busy this summer.  We'll have my stepson, Kyle, for six weeks starting June 8th, so I'm going to be one busy mama!  So far, I've got vacation bible school and the summer reading program at the library.  I've been scouring Pinterest for craft projects and talking to the boys' friends' parents about getting our boys together throughout the summer.  I am still planning on getting my scheduled mileage out of the way every morning before Preston leaves for work, that way it's done and over with.  I'll be less likely to put it off if I do it first thing each morning.  :)  If I'm not scheduled to run, I'm hoping to get up super early and go to the gym.

I think I'm going to do well this summer.  I have a plan.

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I noticed that I have some more followers and have gotten more pageviews and I really appreciate the fact that anyone reads my blog.  :)  I don't think I'm particularly interesting, but then again, we're our own worst critic, right?  LOL  Anyway, feel free to leave comments because I read each and every one of them (and try to reply back) and also, if your name is connected to a blog, I always check them out and usually follow as well.  I'm addicted to running, weight loss and maintenance blogs and can't get enough!  :)

3 More Miles and Another Battle Wound

Well, I have another battle wound to add to my collection.  LOL  I'm becoming a running mess.  :)  I went for a three mile run this evening and about 2.5 miles into it, I tripped over my own foot (I know, right?!) and went tumbling down.  I jammed my pointer finger into the rocky concrete and it started to bleed.  I bruised my left knee a little and my right hip.  Oh yeah, it must have been the most graceful fall EVER.  ;)

My pace was slower than I'd like (13:06) but when I fell, I didn't get the Garmin paused right away, so I'm going to go ahead and take that into account.  I was actually going pretty strong for longer than usual and going faster than I had planned (I wanted to start out slow and end faster, but I never seem to do it right).  I thought for sure my pace would be around 12:30.  Oh well.

Before my run this evening, I had gone to the gym and spent 30 minutes on the elliptical and burned 288 calories.  I ended up consuming those calories burned by eating some banana bread before dinner, but the fact that I'd had that loaf since Saturday and was only finally touching it now was an incredible feat.  Preston's cousin brought it to us over the weekend and I'm a sucker for banana bread.  I managed to say no until today.  I finally had to have some and boy, was it amazing.  :)

My Dear Departed Toenail

I lost a toenail today.  I've heard of this happening to runners but I really never thought it would happen to me.  I just didn't think I was hardcore enough into running that I'd experience this.  I haven't logged a bunch of miles, nor do I run very fast, but I guess those aren't factors when it comes to losing toenails.  My shoes fit perfectly, but when I bought them, I didn't realize that I should have bought a half size or even full size bigger.  Size didn't seem to be an issue.  Even after a longer run I didn't notice any pain or discomfort or swelling.  Last week sometime I noticed a little pressure on my toe, but I just assumed it was from wearing different shoes at work that I hadn't worn in awhile.  And maybe that's part of it too.  Anyway, today I noticed that my nail was coming up more than it should.  My heart dropped.  Stuff like this totally grosses me out, not to mention I thought it'd hurt when I removed the nail.  It wasn't so bad.  It burns a little now, but it wasn't attached anywhere but the base of the nail, so it had to come off otherwise it probably would have hurt worse if I'd caught it on something.  (After doing a little post-nail removal research, I found out this was not the best course of action - but it's too late now).

hard to see, looks like it's still there, but it's not. man, feet are gross.

This little issue makes me nervous about running though.  I'm not worried about losing more nails.  Now that I've done that and realize it's not a big deal and doesn't really hurt, I'm not too concerned.  It's the actual pressure of my shoes and socks on the exposed nail bed that I'm worried about.  I guess I'll just go with it and see what happens.  I hope this doesn't stall my training...

I am pushing my schedule over a day, since I did those four miles yesterday.  I was kind of sore this morning, though not as sore as I'd anticipated.  My body must be finally getting used to something.  Anyway, today I decided to do my version of a speed run on the treadmill.  I just did one mile and I wanted to see how fast I could do it.  Of course, I did this backwards.  I started out strong and fast and ended pretty sloppy and slow.  :/  I did it under 12 minutes, but I was hoping for under 11.  I'm going to keep doing this from time to time on my rest days, just to see if I can increase my speed.  I still have a goal for a 35 minute 5k race and I'm getting closer.  Ideally I'd like to shoot for 30 minutes, but I'm just not seeing it with my slow pace.  But I'm just going to keep working on it.  :)

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I wanted to mention a couple of giveaways that you should check out.  I read these blogs daily, so you should to and I really want to win. ;)

Bethi at Disney Mommi is giving away an SPIbelt to one very lucky reader.  It's super cute and very useful!  :)

Tess at Because I Want To... is giving away a totally cute tank or t-shirt from Nutrition Snob on Etsy.

Check out both of these blogs and their contests.  Both ladies are very inspiring.

Weekly Weigh In (5/14/12)

Last week: 170.6
This week: 172.2
Total: + 1.6

As I expected - a gain.  :/  I knew I'd had a bad week of eating so this was to be expected.  Can't eat like crap and expect to lose weight.  But, it's a new day, a new week and I have goals to meet.  There WILL be a loss next week, just you wait!  :)

Four Miler...DONE!

That's right, lovelies!  I ran four miles today!  I am so proud of myself and very, VERY happy to be able to announce to you all that I did it!  Now, I have to be honest...I did walk a few times.  It was one of the toughest runs I've ever had and, as usual, I didn't enjoy it.  During the last mile, I had to keep telling myself "one foot in front of the other, you can do this" and it helped me get through it.  My pace was better than I expected.

4 miles, time: 53:11, 13:18 minute pace

After I ran, I showered and got ready for Preston's cousin's graduation.  For a school that only had 43 graduates, it sure lasted a long time.  Ben and I had to leave before they started presenting diplomas because he was just restless.  I was okay with it.  Bleachers seriously hurt my backside anymore.  I'm certainly not as young as I once was.  LOL

We went to the reception and I only had chips and some macaroni salad, but I had quite a bit of it.  Oh, and a couple cans of Mountain Dew, since there wasn't much else to drink.  I think I did okay with my calories, but I can't be sure since the macaroni salad was homemade.  :/  It probably had a crapload of calories.  Oh well.  It was good and I did manage to say no when I was asked if I wanted to take the leftovers home.  I also managed to insult Preston's aunt in the process, but the thing is, it was actually kind of a complement, which I don't think she understood.  All she heard was me say "no."  She didn't understand that it meant "I can't have that in my house because it's so good and I won't have any self control."  I really need to start explaining that, but we get leftovers and stuff pushed on us so often that it's just become natural to say no.  Then they push some more and then I have to get forceful and it becomes an issue and I'm the bad guy.  I know our families aren't trying to sabotage me, but it sometimes feels like it.

I have three miles scheduled for tomorrow and I'm planning on knocking them out of the way first thing in the morning.  I don't have to work, so I could do it before everyone gets up.  Or, since Kaiden doesn't have preschool anymore, I can lounge around the house for awhile and do it before lunch.  I'll have to check the weather and see what the best plan is.  :)

Thanks for all the encouragement!  I did it because I didn't want to disappoint anyone - myself, my husband, Lauren (my running friend) and you guys, of course!  Thanks for the push.  I totally needed it.

Tomorrow is weigh in.  I'm not expecting much since it was kind of a bad week, but I'm ready to kick it in gear and lose this weight by September!  :)  I've got big goals and I'm going to accomplish everything that needs to be done to achieve these goals.

Learn to Say No

no excuses!

This is going to be a super quick post.  I had an awful day, food wise.  I've been home from work for a few hours and Preston's cousin, some friends and my mother in law, father in law and sister in law all came over for an impromtu barbeque.  Tomorrow is Preston's other cousin's graduation, so apparently everyone is in a celebratory mood.  This makes it hard to squeeze in a 4 miler and stay on a diet.  I tried to say no to a beer and insisted that I had to go for a 4 mile run, but I finally fell victim to nonstop persuasion.  I will never make it as a healthy thin person if I can't learn to say no.  :(

So, needless to say, I've had a couple beers (but I finally said no after the third or fourth because I now have a 4 miler scheduled for tomorrow since I didn't do it today) and I ate a lot of grilled crap.  I'm finally stuffed, but it took a lot more food than I care to admit to fill me up.  I'm not sure what my deal is.

Tomorrow, as I mentioned, is graduation and I can assume that the food that will be served at the reception won't be the healthiest.  I'm planning on doing my best to have self control, but I guess we'll see what happens.  I still plan on getting in that 4 miler first thing in the morning and then after that, who knows.  However, Monday I'm definitely back on the wagon.  :)  35 pounds until September - I don't want to make it more than that!

Why You Can't Achieve It...

When I started this blog in December, I was 45 pounds from my ultimate goal.  It is now May and I have only managed to keep off 10 pounds, which leaves me with 35 pounds left to lose.  I am ready to kick it in gear!  What am I waiting for!?  My 1st wedding anniversary was my goal date and it's officially less than a week away.  :/  I am done procrastinating (it IS what I do best, though) and am ready to stick to the plan.  I've struggled far too long and I know what needs to be done.

So here goes!  35 pounds GONE by my 32nd birthday, which is September 8th, 2012.  I WILL do this.  I WILL follow through.  I'm done watching the scale move up and down.  From now on, the scale has one direction - DOWN.  From now on, my clothes will feel looser and I WILL be wearing the clothes I have been buying and storing in a box in my closet for the day they finally fit.  Those clothes will not go to waste.

I'm ready.  Are you?  Who's with me!?

Why People Give Up So Fast...

Preston and I went and renewed our licenses this morning.  For once, all of my info on my license is accurate (usually I exaggerate my weight), but I hope it doesn't last.  It says my weight is 170, but I'm looking forward to changing that to 135ish when it comes time to renew in 5 years.  :)  I should definitely be at my goal weight by then, right!?  LOL

we've come a long way!

After we finished, we went home and pretty much laid around all day, vegging out in front of the TV.  I read some more of Running For Women, but mostly I just zoned in and out on the TV.  The weather has been pretty cool today, with a bit of rain off and on, so it just one of those unmotivated days.  We did have Kaiden's final soccer game re-scheduled for today, but because of the weather, it was postponed again.  A month ago I mentioned that I love having a busy schedule, but we've been so busy and just go go go that I was really ready for a real day off.  I didn't do a darn thing around the house and it was nice.  :)

I have a four miler scheduled for tomorrow and I am super nervous.  We have 50% chance of rain tomorrow and I'd really hate to have to do those 4 miles on the treadmill.  That would suck.  I'm planning on doing it after work tomorrow, but if not, I'll just make it up on Sunday before we head to Preston's cousin's graduation.

My Little Graduate

Kaiden with his graduation balloons

Today was Kaiden's last day of preschool and this evening we attended his Spring program, in which the kids received certificates for "graduating" from preschool.  It was so bittersweet.  Kaiden has grown a lot this year.  They had to squeeze him in at the last minute and I'm so happy they had room for him.  He was shy and very introverted when he first started school, but he finally opened up and his teachers told me that he's very active, participates during songs and reading and asks lots of questions.  I'm so proud of him.  Even though he's an ornery little guy with family, he's very polite and well behaved and inquisitive among his peers and other adults.

preschool graduation certificate

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I went to the gym today to speak with Lauren about some pointers on running.  We talked for about 20 minutes about my thoughts and what I want out of running.  I actually kind of got emotional.  I was never athletic in high school.  I didn't want to be.  I was very heavy and very shy and I wasn't looking for notoriety so I didn't participate in most extracurricular activites and certainly nothing involving running or sweating or...well, moving around a lot.  :/  But now, 12 years later, I'm the complete opposite.  I'm thinner and very outgoing and confident (although not in situations where I don't know anyone - that's why the introvert in me comes back) and I'm ready to be active!  I explained all of this to Lauren and she told me that she used to be the same way (minus the fat part) - she was very shy until she got into running and then it brought out a whole new person.

She encouraged me to sign up for races, which I plan on doing as soon as the Firecracker 5k entry sheets are ready.  She told me that my diet, hydration, the weather and the terrain are all going to effect how successful my runs are, which I already kind of knew.  She asked me to meet her sometime next week at the track so she can watch my form because she has a feeling I have a heel strike, which is natural for beginning runners, but not good form.

Other than that, she gave me lots of encouraging words and loaned me a book by Kara Goucher called Running for Women - From First Steps to Marathons.  As soon as I got home with it, I started reading it and couldn't put it down.  It reminds me of a lot of the blogs I read - very personal, like she's speaking to me.  I eventually set it down so I could go to Kaiden's program and now that I'm home, I'm typing out this post, but as soon as I publish it, I'm picking that book up again!  :)

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I took a rest day today since I had a couple of errands to do after work (getting balloons, talking to Lauren) but tomorrow I hope to do some free weights at home.  In the morning, Preston and I are going to get our drivers licenses renewed (I am finally updating mine since I've been married for nearly a year and still have my license with my maiden name).  I'm kind of excited about this because it'll be my first official document with my married name on it, plus I will finally get to be honest about my weight on my license!  I have never told the truth about my weight on my license.  I've always exaggerated quite a bit, but this time, even though I still don't like the number, I'm going to be 100% honest - so honest, in fact, that I'm going to weigh myself before we leave!  LOL

I didn't make the best food choices today.  I had a lot of sodium and I could really tell.  My ring felt tight on my finger most of the day.  Or maybe that was due to the heat.  I'm not sure.  I'm really trying to be more in tune with my body, but I'm having a hard time with it.  Tomorrow will be a good day, though.  :)  I feel good about my future in running and weight loss and eventually maintaining.

Unpleasant Surprise While Running

First of all, I just want to thank everyone for the words of encouragement.  I may complain a lot about running, but I am too stubborn to quit.  I will keep up my training and I will run my first 5k in July.

Now, on to today's scheduled run.  Three miles.  Three miles that I desperately dreaded.  It was pretty warm out (82 degrees) so I figured I'd at least do a mile and then see how I felt.  Well, of course, the stubborn in my wouldn't let me stop, even after I realized I was having a minor serious malfunction:


I started my period. 
Yeah, awkward.  Embarrassing.  Too much information, I know.

I wasn't sure what to do.  It was hot and I was having a serious issue.  So what do you think I did?  I totally pulled a Forrest Gump and just kept running.  I know, right?

I was totally freaking out the whole time.  I couldn't believe I wouldn't just call it quits and turn around to head back towards the car.  :/  Glutton for punishment, I guess.

Anyway, I ended up walking a few times because I was hot, miserable and pretty uncomfortable.  You'd think because of my issue, I would have wanted to get back to the car as quickly as possible but I just didn't have it in me.  I really need to be more prepared, I guess.

3.02 miles, time: 43:18, 14:21 pace, 387 calories burned

So, because of the factors mentioned above, I didn't have the greatest run, but you know what?  I did it.  I finished.  I hadn't even planned on finishing the whole three miles due to the heat, but I did it anyway and for that, I'm giving myself a pat on the back.  :)

I didn't get a chance to talk to Lauren (my running friend) today, but definitely tomorrow, since I'm going to the gym for some cardio.  And I'll totally share her advice with the rest of you.

Now on to my calories - did not do great.  AT. ALL.  However, I think I've figured out why I've been so hungry lately.  ;)  Today was definitely better than the last few, but still not the greatest.  I'm not sweatin' it, though.

Gotta Get in Control

I was pretty sore last night and this morning due to my run yesterday.  I took a rest day today so I could catch up on some much needed housework.  I am so looking forward to my job ending on May 31st.  At least my house might look presentable and the laundry and dishes will stay caught up.  I tell you what, three young boys and an adult man sure make for a lot of laundry and dishes.  It seems like there is always someone eating something or someone changing clothes (I swear, you'd think Kaiden was a girl with as often as he changes his clothes during the day).

Tomorrow I have three miles on the schedule and I'm already dreading it.  :/  This is really not good.  Thankfully, I'll be talking to my running friend tomorrow as well and hopefully she'll be helping me out with whatever it is my problem is.  I know, I'm such a Debbie Downer anymore.  LOL ;)

lunch: egg white breakfast "tacos"

I've still been keeping track of my calories, though I haven't been posting a log on my posts.  I just figured they were kind of boring and it was just as easily for me to track them a scrap paper or notepad on the computer.  I definitely went way over on Saturday and Sunday and yesterday I was over by a couple hundred.  :/  I'm over what I'd like to have on a rest day, but for some reason I never felt satisfied.  I didn't binge, though and I made healthy choices, except for the ice cream I had after Brandon's spring concert tonight..

snack: pb2 and pretzels

I really need to get my eating under control.  I just don't know why I'm so hungry all of the time.  :/  I keep telling myself that I've come so far and I never thought it'd happen, but now I need to really kick it in gear and finish what I've started!  Perhaps I'm putting too much pressure on myself.  I have come really far but I really want to lose these last 35 pounds once and for all!

I Can't Do This (Yes, I Can!)

Three miles on the schedule, three miles done.  It was torture, plain and simple.  I actually shed a tear or two during the run.  I'm just so frustrated.  I want to love running, but I'm just not getting there.  I love the way I feel afterwards but it's getting through the run that is causing me to struggle.  :/  I don't feel that it's getting an easier, either.  I know it is, because I can run further than when I first started, but it doesn't feel an easier.  My lungs still hurt and I ran hours ago.  :/

I'm going to talk to a running friend this week and she is going to help me through my struggles (I hope).  She just finished the Lincoln Marathon on Sunday and if anyone can help me through this, I know she can.  She told me that she is going to help me LOVE the run.  I hope she's right.

My pace was slower this time, which kind of disappoints me, but then again, I have to remind myself that I can't always beat my previous time.  Part of my run was on a recently maintained dirt road and the gravel was deep in places, so it really slowed me down.  I didn't map my route out before I ran so I just winged it.  I made it to three miles before I even hit my house, and then I had another half a mile or so to walk out to my mother in laws, where Ben and my car were waiting for me.  LOL  I might do that route again when my 4 miler comes up Saturday, but clearly it's not the right route for a 3 miler.

I'm ready to take back my life (again) by working out and eating right.  I have goals and I'm ready to start drawing a dark line through each one!  :)  35 pounds to go, that's it!  I can do this!

Weekly Weigh In (05/07/12)

Last week: 170.8
This week: 170.6
Total: - .2

I'm not too impressed with a .2 loss, but since I'd been expecting a gain, I should be happy.  :)  I ate so much yesterday, I just don't get it.  I'm not complaining.  I'm back in the game, people!  I'm going to rock it this week.  I think I'm going to weigh again on Friday, just because I'm not a fan of Monday weigh in.  I didn't give it much of a chance, but with the way this last weekend went, clearly I'm not going to do any better if I switch days.  Maybe I should give it a chance...I don't know.  We'll see what Friday brings.  :)